2.10.2006

Your tax dollars at work

Here's a true story about a poor schmuck with a thick Southern accent.

The scene: Your local prosecutors office, Anytown, USA.

Fade in:

Alicia, one of the newer ADAs jumped in. “The funniest thing happened at arraignment part today. This little old black man was charged with Falsely Reporting an Incident. According to the accusatory, he called 911 and claimed that ‘there was a bomb in his house.’ Cops show up, no bomb, so they charge him since they’re pissed.”

“And?” prompted Tom.

“So they call his case for arraignment and this stooped over little
ancient guy slowly hobbles up to the podium, cane in hand. He finally gets there and just as Judge Smythe starts to arraign him, he gets all excited and starts talking in a really thick Southern, dialect, declaring his innocence. He was such a polite, elderly Southern gentleman and was obviously really upset that he’d been arrested.”

“Yeah,” said Sarah, one of younger ADAs. They all leaned in expectantly.

“So the judge says: ‘Mr. Washington. You’re out of line. Let me speak. It says right here that you called 911 and told them that there was a bomb in your house, sir. And when the police got there, it wasn’t there.”

“And….” said another ADA.

“So this poor old guy says: ‘Right, Miss. I tol’ ‘em der was a bom in my house, but she left before dey got der. Dey was too slow!’ At this, the judge looked up from the accusatory in front of her. ‘She?’”

The ADAs grinned eagerly, anticipating the punch line.

“’Yah. Rita,’ he said.

The judge looked down at him. ‘A bum, Mr. Washington? Is that what you called the police about? A bum in your house?’

He looked up at her and said, earnestly, ‘Yah, miss. Dat’s what I said! A bom in da house!’”

They all laughed appreciatively, shaking their heads. “The charges were the dismissed, I hope.” said Tom.

“Yep,” replied Alicia. “The poor guy got to go home."

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